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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in -'s LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 16th, 2002
5:03 pm
Curiouser and curiouser
If I actually dreamed like normal people, I would blame what Farfarello just told me on just being a very strange dream. But no, I don't... the thoughts of the millions in the world suffuse into my mind even during sleep, making my own subconscious to enter the dreaming world impossible. Instead I simply get drawn into the dreams of other minds.

Maybe it's that? No. I just listened to the message to make myself believe it.

Brad Crawford did indeed not make it to the meeting.

How very strange. That probably would be the only time that's happened in the time that I've known him. Without some prior warning and knowledge of it happening which our dear precog foresaw and told us of for whatever reason.

Good thing I didn't have any money riding on that in a form of a bet with any of the other members of Schwarz. Of course they would have had to bet against me...

Well time to do what I'm good at doing. Who needs GPS when they have a telepath? I do know minds and the minds I know best are Schwarz's. I may not know every single of their thoughts, and nuances of their minds. Granted I don't know what they're doing every minute of the day, but just as I could find Omi, Ken, and Aya across the country, I can easily find Nagi, Farfarello, or Brad if I need to. They have very characteristic minds, very different from any line of thought, which makes it easy for me to pinpoint.

Mmmmmm....

... Este... bandages... hospial...

Scheiße
. What's starting now? Time to get the others and go find our current rouge leader and find out what's up to any degree.

Current Mood: shocked

(I know your sins)

Sunday, December 15th, 2002
12:09 am
* Zeitdurchläufe, da es eine Gewohnheit des Tuns hat.

Taking over a business carefully is very time consuming business... but at least it's done. It was almost fun, like working as we used to do. I worked closely with Nagi on it, him telling me bits and pieces of the illegal activities we'd uncovered and I'd plant hints of knowledge in certain persons' minds and our little hacker would make sure they would be able to see what before they couldn't when they went searching.

What is it about ruining a few lives especially when they greatly deserve it and ruined it themselves that so appeals to me? Mm.

The time that's passed since I've really picked up this journal has changed a few times... at least surface wise. Weiß is once more four though I don't think I'll ever be able to think of those two tykes as Weiß. Kritiker certainly is quick to fill those ranks. They remind me of Este... in a slight way. Large organizations always have certain ways of treating their members I suppose though. All I can say is I think that team is quite lucky we are no longer on... tumultuous terms with them. I just don't think they would ever be able to last against us long, and we'd be hard pressed to fake turning out even with them.

As for the other half of Weiß-no-longer-Weiß...

* Zeit heilt alle Wunden.

* Eine was für Lüge.


I still keep tabs on their minds... I can't help it. It's an intriguing web of hurt and betrayal that draws me even as I remain distant to it all as is my nature, in the end. Watching them heal is like watching a flower blossom. It happens naturally, slowly, opening when the time is right and seeming well, but a flower bud sometimes closes at night and they withdraw. What I mean is... I don't know what I mean. Things for them have always been wonderful and fine simply on the exterior. Slowly, it becomes truth.

But it's not full truth yet.

Even though I see their minds, I don't yet know if it will be full truth for them ever. The very same for those still living in Tokyo...

Speaking of where ones are living... The presence of those three minds is a very strong beacon I have been able to easily locate in Japan. I know their location right down to the apartment numbers they each sleep in...

What to do with such information, if anything? So far I have told no one I am even aware if they're still in Japan at all. No one's really thought to ask the all too curious telepath for anything I might know.

Mm. I do believe my contemplation time has been interrupted by the chibi. I think I'll indulge his want to go shopping as is on his mind... as well as indulge my own want. I do need someone else's opinion on just what to do with knowing where the three are. Nagi seems a good one to ask.

* Time passes, as it has a habit of doing
* Time heals all wounds.
* What a lie.


Current Mood: contemplative

(I know your sins)

Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
10:37 pm
Paining thoughts
I have a headache.

Little puddles of conflicting angst often do that to me. Everyone expecting everyone else to perfectly understand them and scorning them for not doing so. Feeling as if they're the only ones hurting and everyone set out to deliberately hurt them.

Screw that...

I heard their minds when they were leaving. Heard every bit of their pained thoughts as they logic'ed out their possibilities. Their feelings of distrust and hurt. Couldn't they just tell...

They were right. And everyone else was wrong.

I heard their minds when they discovered they were gone, when she knew they were leaving. Heard every bit of upset that they weren't trusted, that they couldn't see it their way. Couldn't just ask...

And they were right. And everyone else was wrong.

How can everyone be right, and everyone be wrong?

In this situation. They are. It's easy for me to see who's right and who's wrong in situations like this since all the thoughts are broadcast loud and clear into my mind. It's easy to understand when you see their minds and know their thoughts.

And my conclusion... Everyone's wrong. And everyone's right.

Now don't you feel special? You're right. Now what does it accomplish.

Not a damn thing.

Mistakes were made. Feelings were hurt. Trusts were broken.

I think it all comes down to that... trust is a very funny thing. A very difficult thing to gain, an easy thing to lose. Very often abused. Very often forgotten about until it's gone. Very often overlooked or taken for granted.

We never gave Weiß a reason to trust us. We did everything possible to make them think we were horrible people. I know, myself, I'm not a great person.

Just because Yohji and Ran took a chance and trusted us... rather, trusted Brad and Yohji... they barely know Nagi and myself and I don't know if that trust extends to Schwarz as a whole... that hardly means the rest were going to. When was an attempt for trust to be gained ever made, or their part or our parts?

Never.

Granted. They never attempted to get to know us because their teammates got to know us... but never did we even try to reach out to their teammates and let them know us as anything but monsters. Aya never attempted to speak with the one who was pursuing her brother... but Schwarz is a difficult group to find... Farfarello never attempted to make peace or dispel the image of Berzerker from the girl who meant everything to the one he was pursuing.

It was just assumed everything would be all right...

She was right. And he was wrong.

Or was he right. And she was wrong?

Or does it even matter in the end.

Ken and Omi had to find out that that their long time teammate was dating the leader of Schwarz from someone else... did they ask why he had been dating him, not telling them for whatever reason? No. So were they wrong? But on the other side, Yohji never told them why he was dating him. None of them tried to arrange a chance to get to know Oracle as something more than Oracle.

Is it any wonder I have a headache? I have eight minds all broadcasting to me how hurt they are. How right they are. How wrong everyone else is. That they can't understand...

And it all comes down to trust. Some people are going to trust others when given a reason. Some aren't, when that reason is failed to be given. When faced with people like us... who have done the things we've done... willingly, forced, whatever, we did it... I honestly can't blame them for all not opening their arms and hearts and embracing us openly and willingly.

Many have died for such foolish naivety and gullibility.

And we profited from those deaths, however, somehow.

We're not nice people. We're not good we're not evil.

Society hasn't been nice to me... why should I go out of my way to be nice back? I don't think karma exists.

Oh... some may think my talking to Omi at the hospital was kind and "nice". It was a game... a game I enjoy playing. I wanted to see his reaction. Just like I wanted to see Aya's reaction at that café. Sometimes I just enjoy telling people the flat out truth after watching them bumble around and try to deal with what they know and their misperceptions. Sometimes my truth telling could be considered... nice.

It often isn't.

I can still hear their minds. Fainter, softer, but I know them and know them well. They can change locations, they can change teams and codenames, but they can't change how their minds feel to me. Didn't I say once I knew their faces, I had their lives? It still applies...

I think I'll leave them be for now, wherever exactly they are. It was their decision and their decision alone to leave. And at the moment, I have no reason to pursue them and give myself a worse headache than I already have. If ever I have a good reason to search them out or someone bothers me enough to do so, I may. Until then...

* Fliege weit und fasten, kleine Spatzen.

I am currently quite glad I'm not close to either of the remaining Weiß members. Any close relations to their minds and I may go insane even more so than I already am. I can only take so much inner turmoil. Right now I feel like I OD'ed on honey thoughts of pain and torment...


* Fly far and fast, little sparrows.

Current Mood: okay

(I know your sins)

Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
9:25 am
Friday afternoon (?)
I couldn't resist.

The opportunity presented itself, the window was wide open...

I've been doing a lot of 'listening' today, for the hell of it. I still haven't been told by either Farfarello or Brad what they're plotting, and I will continue to wait to know. They want my thoughts on whatever it is they're doing, they're going to have to tell me. Not just assume I know all. I am truly the only one who knows the limitations of my power but... they know I'm not omnipotent. So I listened to the minds of their little significant others...

And discovered they know quite a bit more than they should. Told by people who never should have told.

Hypocrites... So upset in their little worlds about someone spilling personal details about their lives to another for whatever reason, yet it's perfectly all right for someone to share a secret with them. Because they don't let anyone else know they know? Secrets are a bit of a disease in a way, a poison... And Yohji and Ran know quite a few about Schwarz they never should have known. Farfarello told his kitten of Brad and Yohji -- something Brad hadn't yet even fully told us -- and Brad mentioned to Yohji of visions he'd seen about Ran and Farfarello. And the jewel... Farfarello told his kitten of Nagi's crush on Omi. How he knew of that, I'm not certain.

Tsk.

For being such secretive operatives, some certainly have loose mouths...

So I simply... decided to put all of the secrets on the table, out in the open.

I try to behave most of the time, really I do... But I just can't be "good". I don't see how I benefit from it, or what I gain. I'm just trying to be something I can't be. I'm not "good", I never will be good. My parents never thought I was good. Este never taught me to be good. Look at Weiß. They're "good", and are they benefiting from that? Hardly. Currently their minds are in utter inner turmoil and conflict and stressed because of their goodness.

No thanks.

I had to go on an errand today for my stupid little job, and I ended up passing by a small cafe near the city's university. Saw a lovely girl inside... lovelier than her brother, in some ways, if one likes the fairer sex. I do. She was quite cute... reading a book and trying to force her thoughts back to her present task, finishing the novel to write an essay on it. But her thoughts were currently not on such. And she kept peeking at a paper she was using as a bookmark, sighing softly, and dragging her eyes back to the words on the page.

I've tried enjoying happy thoughts, really I have. There just weren't many around when I was learning my telepathy so I had to learn to enjoy the bittersweetness of confusion, weakness, hatred, and fear.

Her thoughts were pretty...

I almost feel sorry for the girl. All she wants is some normality in her life like she used to have and all of this is ripping it asunder.

I think she wanted to scream when I slid into a chair across from her. Claw my eyes out. Spit at me. Run away. But she did nothing except stare for a moment. Then simply said the seat wasn't free.

She truly is her brother's sister.

The tears collecting at the corner of her eyes when I told her what I did were so pretty. If I were a normal man I would have wanted to brush them away, but, I'm not. So I just told her a few things and then took my leave.

When I got home from work I congratulated Brad and Farfarello mentally as I lay in my room, thinking over it all. For succeeding in what I never could do, though I tried very hard and had Nagi spend hours hacking to help me. And then just let Farfarello kill Ouka when my plan failed. To split Weiß down the center, just to see if it were possible.

They're currently doing it whether they realize it or not, using methods I never would have considered.

Is that really what I think they're doing? It doesn't matter. It's probably not purposely, but it is happening inadvertently.

Brad, Farfarello, Ran, & Yohji versus Ken, Omi, & Aya, so it seems. And then there's me and Nagi, just watching, not the cause of it and not able to stop it.

It's an interesting game.

Current Mood: predatory

(I know your sins)

Monday, October 28th, 2002
10:30 pm
Friday morning
Curiouser and curiouser...

Something is currently brewing in the minds of two of my teammates. I keep getting glimpses of escaped thoughts from them, random ponderings on if they have my support on this.

...support on -what-?

Verdamnt. They're doing what I absolutely despise, one of my largest pet peeves of being a telepath. Purposely or not, I don't know, don't care currently. They're expecting me to just know things because they think them, because I'm a telepath. Yes I'm a telepath, I hear a lot of things some things I don't wish to hear, but I'm not omnipotent. I can hardly hear everything that goes on in their minds. Sometimes I can't hear anything because of their shields.

I can't give my support or opinions to something I know nothing of.

Whatever. I guess they'll let their little mind reader know whenever they deem me worthy of knowing. Tsk.

For now though I must finish off my breakfast and go off to work. Then think on my plans for the day and weekend.

I also must resist the deep urge to let out a few secrets since almost everyone knows a few... no making more mischief, Schuldig. For once, everyone is handling that well on their own with no real interference from you.

Current Mood: cynical

(I know your sins)

Friday, October 25th, 2002
1:52 pm
Wednesday evening
I want the weekend to arrive already. Least Wednesday is almost over so after this, just two more days of work! Work is utterly boring and hardly utilizing all of my skills. I think I'll talk to Brad and tell him I think this is a shit job... not to mention this man we're working for is hardly as up on everything and clean and all of that as he assured us. I want to know what's in this for us. Because so far I'm just bored out of my mind. Blah. That's all I'm going to say about work. I'm done for the day, I don't want to think about it much.

The kittens are angsting seriously over something over in their little universe... But for once I don't think I'm going to go get myself involved in it all. I don't think my presence would do any good and frankly it's not my problem. I could have told Farfarello this... if he wanted to lust after Ran, he'd have to remember his protective, very anti-Schwarz sister came part and parcel. Should be interesting to see how it all turns out.

But for now I think I'm going to go find Nagi and drag him out for dinner to wherever he wants. Just me and him... since our other two members are wrapped up in courting measures, it seems like they're never around. Whatever. Least I've still got the chibi.

Current Mood: bored

(I know your sins)

Monday, October 14th, 2002
2:21 pm
End of Weekend
Sunday afternoon

Waking up in a bed that is not my own is definitely not an uncommon thing for me. An odd thing as I like to be aware of my surroundings, but welcomed. At least it means I finally got some play. Nothing of substance of depth or deep soul reaching emotion or any of that whimsical mess. Just as I like it.

Decided that after this week of work work work and more work and then some angsting on the side that I should actually go and enjoy the weekend. I caught some trace thoughts from Nagi, wondering if I still have the social life I used to. Schuldig and his mysterious 'going out' nights and returning the next morning, almost no one know what I'd done that prior evening and morning. I enjoyed myself. It was the first time I've felt myself in a few weeks now.

First I went to this gay club I frequent sometimes. Imagine my surprise when I saw two familiar faces in the crowd. I didn't let them see me though. At least that confirms my suspicions of just what was going on in that little part of their world. Will I let anyone know I know? No. I'm quite good with secrets... if Brad wants his relationship with Yohji secret... fine. But I just watched them for awhile, actually minding my own business and giving them their privacy and not hinting to my presence there at all in anyway.

Eventually I went to a different club to give them more privacy. Brad didn't much like the last time I followed him, I don't want him freaking out over us just coincidently being at the same place. Also being there that close to them, it was tempting. Brad's mind I can barely even touch in anyway. But Yohji's isn't that difficult. Curious little me was tempted to delve into his mind and find out his current thoughts and what not

But I shouldn't. Now at least. My fearless leader is a big boy and can handle himself and whatever this relationship is. I don't much like my punishments for putting my nose in other businesses.

But even with that, I'll probably put my nose in. later. Not now.

There was also the reason that I left being that watching those two dance together... made me a bit squirmy.

I went to a club that's open to all sexual preferences... one of the more underground clubs in Tokyo that takes a bit more work to find and get into. As if that was a problem for me. Hello? Telepath?

And from there I ended up where I currently am. Curled between a luscious lady and a divine man. A cute little couple in the experimentation stage of their relationship. Ménage a trois are quite intriguing, but almost always someone feels left out at some point. Also I only have so many hands and so many wants to just touch everywhere. I suppose I should get home while they're still sleeping.

It's easier to make them forget my face and that they were with me, when their minds are asleep and unguarded.

Why do I make them forget my face? Old habit from Este... so they couldn't trace my whereabouts and doings. Or try to use one of my random one night stands as some kind of leverage on me. Even though these people mean nothing to me and I barely even remember their names... I spent time with them to enjoy shared pleasure and a bit of domination and control. No to have their lives threatened and their bodies hurt in gruesome ways as only Este could, simply because they remembered my face and whatever name I gave them.

Probably why I don't know if I can have a relationship now. I'd be hard pressed to not blur their minds the next morning, always starting back at square one with no attachments. Hell I was even wary at first of getting close to Schwarz... even though we were a "team", they were Este agents. If bad things happened and push came to shove, I never knew where their loyalties would fall: to Schwarz, or to Este.

Hmm.

I wonder how the rest of Schwarz spent their weekend... should get home and find that out. Then there's someone else I'm currently thinking on his well-being. How is the little Pikachu Weiß member? I may go see him tomorrow... stop by his school, somewhere where the others of Weiß won't be around to maul me or his precious Ken won't call him traitor for speaking to me or what have you. Eventually I'll go see the man I sent he flowers to face to face but not right now. He may think now since he's incapacitated is why I'm going.

I'm off!

Current Mood: awake

(I know your sins)

Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
8:18 pm
Work gripes
Friday afternoon

Ick... Forgot how much a full time job can take out of a person. Surprisingly, it's not that much of a strain on my powers, it's just... boring. Structure and order have always bored me. I prefer choosing my own methods to do things, but this job has things very much set out for us and its grating on my nerves slowly but surely.

I've been patrolling with Farfarello for the past few days but today I branched off from him to do things my own way even in the slightest. I just lurked into one of the warehouses and climbed up into the upper rafters, sprawled out and closed my eyes, just listening to the minds to pick out anything that seemed a bit off from the rest. That's how I work. On my own terms. It's just easier for me to keep a watch on minds from a distance... a trait I obtained over the years. When trying to spy on high-powered psis, and make sure they're unaware of what you're doing, it's easier to do from a distance. When they aren't as aware of a high-powered telepath staring them in the face and trying to peer into their thoughts. I also have the tendency to throw my entire mind into my work when deeply in minds, leaving my body a bit defenseless. So I'd rather just be off away from any populace in the area.

I also had to get away from Farfarello... that sounds cruel but it's true. That second eye of his, after so many years of him just having one and an eye patch, is unnerving. It seems almost as if he's trying to be someone else. Sigh. Or something else. I don't understand why he suddenly had that thing fixed to see out of again. Or that he even could... I thought it was gone. Moving on. He dealt without it for years... his vision adjusted for proper depth perception. He was one of the most lethal and successful killers. He didn't need it. Sure he got some looks but... who cares. Let the fools look. We were never accepted into society for our own reasons, why try to blend into the general populace of sheep who scorn what we truly are.

He was a freak, we all were. Unaccepted, looked down upon, scorned. And he was my friend... because we were freaks together. The members of Schwarz few could ever understand, none could contend with. Freaks together and that's what brought us together.

But that's what he's doing now... he went out of his way to try to look normal. To blend in. To be just another fucking "normal" one of them. Fuck it. Let him for whatever reason. Will I ever mention anything to him that him with two eyes unnerves me more than him with one ever did? Nein. His choice.

It just may make me reevaluate a few things...

Damn. I think I'm just restless. And constantly being reminded of things that are changing and not to be how I ever expected them to be. Can you believe I almost miss Este? It's true. Not their treatment of us. Just... to some degree... how we were. Always working towards some higher goal, always mysterious in our ways, always misunderstood. We took incredibly extreme lengths to get what we wanted, things which could be hard to explain as I found out with my talk with Omi. We weren't evil. We just had to take the path less traveled, our actions misleading... to our 'enemies' and our employers. Our ways lacked the restrictions most people act under. We acted on our own laws to an extent... it was the only way we could obtain anything and get anywhere, get to where we were in Este's ranks. Where we needed to be to work it so we obtained our freedom.

And now... what are we working towards. Some higher goal? Or just... to? To be a part of the usual rat race? I keep searching for the higher goal we must aspire to and I see nothing. I tried to make my own goals, by aiding Omi with Ken as I did, and Brad with Yohji...

And yet I gained nothing from it. I'm still confused and still... here. Watching everything change around me, with a smirk on my lips to fool all. Without motivation or drive.

Without a fucking purpose.

I always had some purpose in life.

Before I was kicked out of my house, I just wanted to find some level of silence. I attempted that through various drugs and alcohol and sex.

After I was forced out onto the streets, again the want for silence was there. But not freezing to death in the Berlin winter was something to focus on.

While in Rosenkreuz, keeping a tiny bit of myself and surviving training to the next day kept me going...

And then once in Schwarz, the purposes and goals changed over the years but were always there. Become high trained. Incorporate the insane one and the beaten child into the team. Gain freedom.

And here it is. Big fucking deal. Now what.

Where's the larger picture. The thing to match Schwarz's ambition. The thing to make this all worthwhile other than the climb it took to reach the peak.

They say everyone needs something to work towards in their life or they go insane... I guess I gained what I worked towards. And now just don't know what to do with it. Or what to do now.

Fuck this... I'm calling it a day. I'm going home. Brad can bitch at me for cutting out on the job a few hours early if he likes. I've already done everything I told myself to do today, anyway. And if he bitches at me for being lazy I may welcome it. At least that's something familiar.

Current Mood: bored

(I know your sins)

Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
2:30 pm
Contemplations
Wednesday

Sitting here looking over the new information about our job Brad gave us, but to be quite honest my mind's only half on it. I keep thinking back to my little conversation I had with Omi in the hallway outside of Ken's ICU room. It actually went better than I thought it would. He didn't ever move to attack me! I half don't even know why I went there to see him when his mind was projecting such loneliness and hurt. The selfish standoffish part of me says it was to quiet his mind and stop him from giving me a headache.

Pft. Yea right. I could probably convince some of that, but hardly myself.

He was just so... baka in his thoughts, I couldn't stand it. People's fears and uncertainties are so odd, really, but I suppose it is easier for me to know the truth since I can see what they're thinking they're sure the other person is thinking. And what the other person is actually thinking. I think that point at the hospital when I talked to Omi was possible a make or break point in Omi's persual of a relationship with Ken. And I pushed him to the former. Why? It would have been easy to push him to giving up on it. He was half already convincing himself.

But I didn't...

Even though I know Nagi has a crush on Omi.

I guess Omi's that... what is he. He's that lost innocence in all of us - well, at least me - that I never had the chance to protect. That I never even knew I had until it was gone.

So I guess that's why I tried to push him to see the truth of what Ken's mind was thinking, even though I never actually touched on Ken's mind to see. I knew enough from the past few weeks to know Omi's uncertainties were unfounded in reality.

So yes. I was nice. So long as no one finds out, my precious reputation is fine.

Not going over to the hospital again though... I'm keeping a watch on their minds to see if Ken ever asks Omi who the white and lavender heather arrangement was from. Depending on Omi's answer... and how Ken takes it... I may go pay the injured one a visit.

OUCH. Ouch ouch ouch. Just got hit with some serious hurting angsting... I wonder if the others of Weiß even know where he is... I know Omi hadn't told them Sunday and he actually told me why but... hm. Weird team. I'm not interfering in that. That's all up to them.

Back to work on this Schwarz job before any of the others poke me for letting my mind wander and I let something slip.

Current Mood: complacent

(I know your sins)

Thursday, September 26th, 2002
3:30 am
Job Line Up
Saturday

So... We finally have a job again. Weiß has missions. We have jobs. We were never quite assassins, more like bodyguards, but assassinations came part and parcel with body guarding more often than not. Especially in the damn Takatori days. I have to admit, it's a bit nice knowing we'll be starting a job soon, somewhat of a return to how Schwarz should be. Not just the loafers who lurk about stalking and pestering that we have become.

Not all of Schwarz can act like me, dratted.

I'm the one who gets to hear all the fine points of others' lives whether I want to or not, whether they know it or not. It amuses me when people say 'stop reading my mind'. I can't, unless one stops thinking. Telepathy is not like I'm looking at a bookshelf and I pick up a book, 'Oh, I think I'll read this one today!'. It's more like being in the middle of Las Vegas in America and seeing every single glaring bright neon sign of that city shining in my eyes, the gaudy light tubes and flashing signs pulsing each signal into my mind to write out those names, etched deep into my mind.

Sound fun, ja? Oh a thrill ride.

And people wonder why I enjoy prying into personal lives. It's my right and my privilege. And the only fucking way I can make this tolerable.

Anyway. I listened to all Brad told us about the job and it seemed pretty straightforward. I'll do as I'm told and once there and in position, then I'll dig for further details to see if this is indeed worth our time and talents. The minds of those we'll be working for teach me far more than any background information about a person ever shall. And I know what the 'physical' part of this means. In many ways.

Means I will have to be a bit more careful of how far I stretch my telepathy in my spare time. It's my own damn talent, mine to do with as I please for the most part... until I'm getting paid and we're on job. Then it's a job asset. To an extent.

It shall be interesting to see how we conduct a job without Este's little fingers poking us to do that job or else, protect that sick bastard or else.

Mm. but. The job hasn't started yet...

And I still have my own personal job to finish today.

After the meeting I left the house so I could go back to the hospital. Ja, I hate being so... secretive about my doings, but this is how I've always been. I'm always the one doing my own thing. Never the fully stable one, or the one to do completely as I'm told. I do basically what I want as I feel I want to. I guess I'm the black sheep of our little group, the eccentric one who everyone's used to having disappear off to do his own secret doings.

Now's no different.

See... I can't let the others of Schwarz really know I'm basically setting out to make some sort of a truce with Weiß and am starting with their manager. To help pave the way for any future Brad x Yohji interludes. Then they may be able to guess I'd done other things to pave that. And no one needs to know of my attempts to coax Yohji's own mind to accept he's bisexual or gay, in any manner. Ja, I'm doing it for the best, but... they'd see it as interfering. Brad would see it as interfering. I know he would.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him. If he ever knew, he should thank me for helping the man slowly come to the obvious realization. But he wouldn't. It would just be yet another case of Schuldig exerting his little godling power and showing off his skills over his telepathy and other minds.

So I'll do this on my own... as I should. I was the one who took odd and great delight in pestering Omi over and over throughout the few meet ups Weiß had with Schwarz. Couldn't help it. The boy's intriguing.

Now... back at the hospital. Have to figure out just how to do this. It is pretty neutral, public grounds, so hopefully Omi will realize I'm not just going to attack him full out. If he's gotten the flowers, he's probably figured out who they're from by now.

Unless he thinks they're from Sakura. Bleh. There aren't many people whose names start with S, or would simply sign with an S. Guess I should just head on up to floor I know Ken to be on - telepathy, oh telepathy, you blessing and a curse, but at least I don't often have to stop and inquire random questions on people's whereabouts - and just. Do this. I'm looking as nonthreatening as possible, wearing light jeans and a paisley vest, hair up in a high ponytail and falling down to my waist even when pulled up. And yes. I'm shirtless other than that. Don't diss my odd wardrobe. It's pretty obvious to someone who's familiar with weapons that this outfit would make it hard to conceal a firearm under. I did that on purpose.

Ding, ding, there's the elevator. This... should... prove interesting.

Let's hope this isn't a big mistake that just sounds a lot better in my mind...

Current Mood: uncomfortable

(I know your sins)

Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
9:34 pm
Phase Two
Ahhhhh, beautiful wonderful sunshine!

Damn I sounded like an eager little happy annoyance just then, didn't I. But I was happy when I saw that this morning shining through my bedroom window instead of the gloom and constant pounding of the rain against the windowpane. Almost as soon as I could, after getting a cup of coffee since I slept horridly and needed to wake up a bit more, I left the house. I actually enjoyed spending the time we were all holed up in there with Farfarello and Nagi... too bad Brad wasn't there to enjoy the little team bonding in the dark with no power. I skimmed the city for his mind but just brushed over it, not wanting to undo the past few days by pissing him off and prying into his privacy. His mind was calm and collected, he hardly seemed in any danger from the effects of the storm so I let it be.

Though there was a certain little mind that I am often in tune with whether I intend to be or not that was hardly at east last night.

Anyway. So that's partly what's brought me to where I am currently. I believe it's time to start Phase Two of my ingenious, secret plan.

Well of course there's a phase two, you dare to doubt. There is always a phase two. Even if the one doing the planning is unaware of such a thing... during phase one. Phase one is still in progress and I must soon check on my ... progress. But Phase Two is just as equally important.

I have worked carefully on slowly letting Yohji convince himself that perhaps a relationship with a male... one male Brad Crawford in specific... would hardly be so bad.

But. There is yet another milestone to get past if anything is to come of this.

Weiß.

Yes, Weiß. Yohji's own teammates who seem to very much despise us and think us evil and wretched and such. It's really amusing in its own manner, even in its annoyance. It can quickly grow to be more annoying than amusing though in this situation.

That's why I'm here... at the hospital. I wonder how many others know Omi and Ken are here? Probably not many. Telepathy has its uses to let me know some things before others do. Anyway, the place not being overrun with concerned Weiß members works out well. I caught hints of Omi's mind all while he was on the mission, though he was quite good at keeping the details from my knowledge. Not like I would have done much with it.

Though if it would have stopped the pain of his self-blaming thoughts of Ken's injury, so loud and just riddled with angst and hurt, I would have gone and killed the bodyguards myself. I decided to come here while Omi was worried and Ken who seems to be the most hostile towards Schwarz still is drugged up on morphine.

Nothing like making a peace treaty with one needing sympathy and solace and get some sort of truce.

Urk. Or not... I just got a mental call from Brad that seemed important so I'll have to come back and try to talk to him another time. I'm sure this will be on his mind for awhile... Scheiße.

Hopefully the nurse on duty though will get the small bouquet of flowers I bought for him in the hospital gift shoppe to them. A mixture of white and lavender heather, admiration and protection, with a small basic get well soon sympathy card simply signed S. I know a bit of flower language and it was the most fitting thing I could see in the small shoppe.

Off I go again. Been awhile since Brad's called for me mentally. Can't keep him waiting.

Current Mood: nervous

(I know your sins)

Thursday, September 19th, 2002
11:18 am
Slowly getting better
Wednesday morning

I’ve been quiet the past few days… Damn, who’d know recovering from the flu would take so much work. I rest, I eat, I rest more. Today’s the first day so far though that I don’t feel at all like mushed up trash, or feel like someone has a pot over my head and is just beating at it.

Not beating away at it, mind you.

So I guess I’m better. Always a good thing because I don’t know how much longer I could take this. Especially with that tropical… storm, depression, circulating mess of wind and rain, whatever it is… heading for Tokyo. I really doubt the rest of Schwarz would want to be stuck at home, if the storm is that bad, with a still ill-ridden Schuschu.

Also, all of us being in that small of a space… wouldn’t be it absolutely wonderbar if they all got sick from me?

Oh glee and joy and horrors.

But I have noticed while resting and recovering, through the natural outflow of my team’s thoughts, things are getting… normal again. There’s still some tension, but not hardly as thick as it was a few days ago. It was so thick I was starting to wonder if we shouldn’t hire Weiβ to see if Ken-chan and Ran-chan’s blades were strong enough to cut through it.

Heh.

But something that also is returning to “normal” is Farfarello’s thoughts and tendencies. I’d slowly been getting used to the more mellow Irishman. Still curious as to how it all came about, mind you, but adjusting. We all know I dislike change, especially when I can’t see the line of thoughts brining about that change. It’s just how a near all-knowing telepath is. And I can’t read Schwarz’s minds.

But a transition back… definitely would not be good. The man is like a dormant volcano, erupting in a blaze without warning every so often, laying quiet and still the rest of the time. I guess a bit of an eruption is imminent and expected, a way for him to blow off steam. But if it all brews and boils and stews… we’ll have a super volcano!

That was how Yellowstone in America was made.

…stupid Discovery channel… knew I shouldn’t have watched that when laying on the couch.

Anyway stupid analogy but I get my point which is what matters.

At least though he gave me the letter to read which is so much on his mind. Years ago, I would have possibly gotten my hand chopped off if I had poked for it. His business was his business and it simply wasn’t discussed or pried into.

And as for that letter… I really am not certain what to think. I didn’t have the past with Ruth he did. I don’t have the parent and family angst Farfarello does… if I saw my family on the street, if I even recognized them, I would probably spit at them or just move on. I just have other things to deal with, but to each his own.

But reading that… I’m not sure. It’s hard for me to read something when I can’t read a person’s thoughts to go with it, to see if their written words are sincere… but I think I read the words of a woman who was truly trying to make amends. Who truly thought she had done what was best years ago.

Whatever the case though, obviously Farfarello didn’t see it that way…

I should go talk to him today since it’s been awhile since he gave me the letter to read. I had to think on it awhile so I would be feeling better and wouldn’t give him my flu-muddled thoughts and advice and take on the sitchy-ation.

Time to go find him and enjoy whatever meal is currently being served. I don’t even know what day it is… I think I’ll tell him… mm… to go check that box he has the key for and see what’s in it. If he tosses the key, his own natural curiosity will drive him nuts. And then just… put it behind him. The woman’s dead, would have been by now naturally, or by his blade… Focusing on her now and pondering answers from her he’ll never get does nothing but frustrate him.

That’s really all I can figure to say to the man…

Off to eat!

Current Mood: curious

(I know your sins)

Monday, September 16th, 2002
4:32 pm
Post flu-ness
Monday afternoon

I still feel utterly awful but I decided to risk taking the tie off my doorknob today since I didn't feel like some vomit from bad Japanese beer warmed over today. More like the can the beer was in, kicked around and stomped on a bit. Oddly enough my thoughts aren't making me nauseous. Guess I'm feeling better? Anyway, the tie is off of my doorknob and tucked away into my drawer until next time I'm sick. I still have a horrid headache but no longer feel like just laying in bed and whining and curling up in my blankets.

I really hate being sick. Yes I know, no one absolutely adores it and can hardly wait for the next little round of germs to strike, but I despise it greatly. My mental walls are kinda filmy so I probably leaked out a few whines before realizing I was projecting and shut up so all of Schwarz didn't need to be sick along with me, mentally at least. Also I kept getting a headache because I got to hear random blips of angered angst and thoughts of betrayal and hurt from one of Schwarz. Probably Farfarello... hopefully he wasn't about to rage again the past few days because it takes a lot to calm him down, the use of telepathy aiding greatly then.

But I can sense the minds of Brad and Nagi so everyone's alive and well so I guess not. He's just in his own little hate filled bubble I guess. Returning to the "old" Farfarello? That was the Farfarello I knew for years and understood to a degree... not this eye-patched blend of Martha Stewart and June Cleaver.

Though another of my team had his own little "Martha Stewart" moment this weekend. Though my memory of it is kinda blurry. Have I mentioned how... odd it is to have everyone cooking? After we got fully nourished after Rosenkreuz and to full health, meals were not a gathering meal, more like a every man for himself. Take out, frozen food, quick prep things. We were very busy assassins with hectic schedules, no time for sit down dinners. I'm still not quite sure when we started allowing Farfarello in the kitchen. With the knives... with no fear of him slaying us all.

How things change, ja? Que sera, sera... or something like that.

So ... must get my train of thought back now... chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo! Yaoi train yaoi train chugga chugga...

...I'm so glad I'm the only mind reader around here... I hate my weird thoughts when I'm loopy on cold medication...

Yaoi train.... Who's the caboose? Chugga chugga... Weiß/Schwarz orgy...

OH! Brad!

Right so Brad had his little chef moment and came to knock on my door, bearing gifts. I'm glad that he brought the soup on Sunday, not Saturday... Saturday night I couldn't even think of food let alone smell it and be at all ready to hold down my lunch. It's been so many years since he made me soup... not just any soup but the creamy thick steamy broth of chicken noodle soup with just as much noodles and vegetables and chicken as broth. He even made sure there were no green onions... he loves me. I took the bowl and wished I could have hugged him then in thanks... but I didn't want to get him sick and I could practically feel the germs on me...

Didn't eat the bagel that was on the tray, just the soup... most grains are too heavy for me when I'm sick. I just want crackers, and the noodles in the soup. Are noodles grains? I don't know. Close enough.

Ate the yummy soup and then took a long hot bath. Ended up falling asleep in the bathtub and then crawled to bed after drying off and pulling on flannel pjs. The only time I ever wear pajamas is when I'm sick and don't think sleeping in the nude will help me get better faster.

Slept away most of Sunday... I did happen to brush over Yohji's sleeping mind one of the nights while fevered and the five minutes I couldn't sleep. I didn't do anything just hunted down a familiar set of thoughts. He was dreaming about -that-... I'm impressed. I haven't nudged his mind to think about that in days, now he's just doing it on his own. Perhaps he is well on his way to admission of his bisexuality. I'll have to observe this revelation when I'm feeling a bit more up to par.

Time to go venture out into the world of the well. Go crawl up under my fleece blanket on the couch and watch TV... see what the others are up to... ask Farfarello what's plaguing his mind so darkly... see how Nags' new classes are going... attempt to thank Brad for the soup since I'm not feeling as uggy and contagious and delirious. I keep getting glimpses of thoughts of some storm approaching. I hope the power doesn't go out.

Current Mood: drained

(I know your sins)

Thursday, September 12th, 2002
4:55 pm
Es gibt etwas gerade, das über Sein krank äußerst schlecht ist, wenn man so reizvoll ist. *
Saturday afternoon

Ugh. I was afraid of this. I woke up this morning feeling cold even though I had all of my blankets up over me and a headache, a different headache than my usual ones. I've been napping off and on all day but it looks like it wasn't just a lack of sleep or a weirdass hangover from the alcohol I had from the restaurant's bar last night. That was a ridiculous thought anyway. I don't get hangovers. I don't get drunk easily, and I hardly drank enough last night to come close to my limit.

And last night was... different. I don't know if it was a good different or a bad different. And right now my head is so stuffy thinking about it all hurts.

I feel so headachy and drained. I should have known this would happen. I probably picked something up from the crowded restaurant last night. Usually my immune system is pretty good with all the scheiße Este put us through but I'm still human so germs and viruses can plague me. I guess with the stress of this odd Schwarz situation, as well as pushing myself to dream romp Yohji's mind, I was susceptible to get sick.

Not that the dream romping through Yohji's mind seems to be making much progress. Well slow progress but last night it came to a skidding halt. I found something... another psi influencing his mind. Este's training for its psychic members may have been brutal and inhumane, no question about that, but it was thorough. And I was one of their top telepaths. So I can easily detect when there's another influence on a mind I'm touching directly on.

An empath... I think. It had to be. Great. As soon as I noted that, I pulled out of Yohji's mind. Influencing a mind very deeply is a thing which I must be very cautious about. With two people influencing it? It could be disastrous, especially if a thought I'm coaxing to the surface conflicts with an inputted emotion that's not his own. It could easily make his mind unstable. At the very least he'd know someone was up to something since there would be such an influx of new sensations he was sure weren't there before. Emotions are a lot harder to control and input into a person.

Great this completely screws up what I was attempting to do in coaxing forth his true thoughts, not just inserting my own I wanted him to have. Also there's an empath on the loose screwing with my toys. Must find out who that is.

Must watch Yohji's mind for a detection of who it might be.

Oi but no dream romping for me for a bit. I actually need my sleep or I'll have this damn flu for a month. I know, it's happened before. I got sick but thought I was "above" minor human afflictions, so just continued on my normal way. I've got a green tie looped about my bedroom door so everyone should know what that means:

Come near me and risk insufferable whining.

I hate my whining when I'm sick. Even I can't stand it. It's far different than my usual charming chatter and inquiries. I'd rather not subject anyone to it and have to hear about it for the next month.

Now I'm off to add another blanket to my bed and find morphine so I can drug myself up on it to shut up the voices so sleep is actually possible. Good night. See you when I don't feel like something a cat hacked up, pawed at, and buried in their litter box.

* There is just something utterly evil about being sick when one is so sexy.

Current Mood: crappy

(I know your sins)

Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
11:02 pm
Stop the Angst!
Friday Evening

Ugh. The entire house is just stuffed full with worrisome angsting. I can't stand it much longer. Yes we are Schwarz and we always privately angst about society and ourselves, but it's usually not this... intense. Nagi was feeling paranoid and scared earlier and came to me. We had a short discussion about how so much is changing so fast and... I think he was scared of being abandoned. I assured him I'd never leave him, ever, and then just held the chibi for awhile while he cried. Well no. He didn't cry. Nagi doesn't cry. He just... leaked a bit? His contacts watered? He had something in his eye? Yes. All of that.

Then it was back to everyone cloistered off in their own rooms.

It's. Driving. Me. Nuts.

Fucking nuts!

This is absolutely ridiculous, all of this is nothing compared to what we've been through! Working our way around the elders and making them crumble at their supposed greatest moment. Using Takatori for all he was worth and stepping aside at the exact right moment to a) not get ourselves killed, b) not have Este think we're traitors since Reiji did fire us! And c) let Ran have his revenge. You think all of that was easy? No! We were strong. We were Schwarz!

Now we're just acting like PMSing whiny overreacting women. Myself included.

Time to be men. Time to act like ourselves. Time to just... spend time together!

So tonight I'm actually taking a page from Weiß's book and dragging everyone out to this restaurant that has pool tables and an arcade. A bit like Dave & Busters in America. Chucky Cheese for grown ups! Everyone's going. There is no way out of this. I'm taking no buts. I'll whine my way to make everyone come and enjoy themselves. I think I can give Farfarello the big cute helpless eyes to get him to help me get everyone to go...

We just all need to relax. Together.

Then hopefully after that I'll come home and resume work on my Kudou mission. It's progressing. Slowly, yes, but that's to be expected. So long as it is progressing. And I'm not going to do my usual impatient, hurry this along and fuck it up in the long-term thing I sometimes do. This is important and must be done carefully. It has to go slowly so Yohji thinks it's his own mind making him realize he's bisexual, and slowly gaining comfort with that fact. I'm very good at seeing in a mind what is obvious to everyone but the person who the mind belongs to. So far, I've just got him remembering a slight similarity to the wonderful head he received from the "mysterious woman" and the oral sex Brad gave him quite explicitly in the dream. I don’t think he's accepted that his mystery date and the mysterious woman who went down on him while he was drunk are one and the same.

It's ok though. He will. He definitely remembers that randomly given oral sex fondly. So long as he keeps that fondness as he slowly realizes it was from a man... and he liked that it was from a man-- rather, it didn't matter it was from a man, it was still blissful-- this will work. It's a complicated process...I really hope I do it all right. It seems like I'm just butting my nose into business but I'm trying to help in my own way.

I think tonight I'll give him... mmm... oh! Hot tub sex dream! Start him and Brad off in swim trunks, drinking martinis or whatever Yohji's mind deems appropriate and acceptable, just... talking. About life, love, sex, whatever flows. Then I think I'll nudge the dream to wet making out... and then back off. And see where Yohji's own mind takes it. I can't make him accept this fully, he has to on his own. But I can help him to that acceptance. In my own ways.

Now off to drag my little dysfunctional family to dinner and FUN dammit.

Current Mood: weird

(I know your sins)

Monday, September 9th, 2002
3:36 pm
Mission Report!
Friday Morning

Mission: Get Yohji to Lay Brad Report 1...

I think it's going well. Last night Yohji got a bit toasted but that hardly interfered with my plans. Oh no! him being incoherent just meant he had less control over his dreaming mind than usual and less apt to wake up, thus ending my dream inserting. Making him ripe for telepathic manipulation and yaoi dream insertion.

This is for his own good. Really.

I gave him a hot little dreaming fantasy of continuing that scene in the ally with Brad. Only instead of just rubbing an then Yohji running off to think, Brad kissed him hard to cut off his words and then made his way lower. Then delivering the best oral sex to the playboy he'd ever gotten. An exact repeat in his mind of the oral sex he received nights ago from a "mysterious stranger".

He'll probably pass it off as drunken mind ramblings. If he even remembers it. But that's ok... I don't think he's awake yet so I'll have to wait and see how the first phase of my plan has gone.

Oh I'm being so nice, giving him hot mental erotica to occupy his mind. Being nice and using my tiny weekly-allotted niceness I give myself makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

No I think I'm just horny.

Now I need to go get breakfast to replenish the energy I used up last night with lurking his mind. Drunk minds are easy to manipulate, but it's tiring since their attention span is off and their thoughts are a bit muddled. So I'm sleepy but I know right now I need a lot of protein more than sleep. Then to decide what to do for the rest of the day. Oh it's Friday. Weekend... means Yohji will probably go out. Unless he's scared of running into Brad again.

Mmm. Much for me to think on and plan to get maximum positive outcomes from my own little secret plan.

Current Mood: working

(I know your sins)

1:58 am
Mental Wars
Late Night Thursday

You're a wuss at times, Schuldig. A big wuss. All of my attempts today to talk to Brad were just... useless. Flops. I ended up going over to him and then basically chickening out. I'd make up some excuse like I came to talk to him because I wanted to borrow the crossword section of the newspaper, or... just really random stupid scheiße I said with absolute seriousness and a usual smirk. What was there to say, to talk about? I'm the telepath so he couldn't have been reading my angsty thoughts for the past day or so. So maybe he doesn't know there is anything to talk about!

And I've figured out. Angst is so not my style. Gives me a ficken headache.

Only thing I managed to do of any worth... though he may not have realized any of the worth... was I lurked over to him on my fifteenth attempt and just slunk up behind him while he was reading the paper and wrapped my arms about his neck. Kissed him lightly on the cheek as I used to years ago when I was first put in Schwarz and sexual advances from me to him were a near hourly occurrence. Or at least attempt. And I just whispered in his ear 'Sorry, B'. He may not remember ... but B was what I first called him the night he came to get me from the streets and offer me a way to change things. He said his name but I was so fucked out of my mind all I heard was 'Bra'. Refusing to call a man who was offering me escape by the name of a woman's lingerie item, I just called him B.

And I told B that night I would follow him anywhere, no matter what. No fucking matter what.

That was about the largest attempt I can do right now. I'm not a big success at apologizing. It'll have to do. I hope.

I do think I know something I can do... Curious as to how my leader's date went, I watched Yohji's mind. Is anyone surprised? No? Didn't think so. The playboy's reaction to his date's true self wasn't disastrous... exactly. I think. But it wasn't good...

I don't think it was what Brad was hoping for. Or what he needed. And still needs. That was yet another person who just brushed him off -- even when they were interested in one side of him they saw -- because he's the cold leader of Schwarz. Yohji sure hadn't noticed any coldness Tuesday night. He was interested. Even though Brad wasn't dressed as Brad, the man got a glimpse of our leader's personality and he was still interested.

And now that he knows his erotic dance partner and best head giver was a guy. He's telling himself he's not interested simply because that wouldn't fit into his "playboy" image. Images are really interesting things to the human mind, aren't they? Even for a telepath as I found out nights ago.

But when it all comes down to it. They're nothing. And easily ripped away.

But... that's not quite what I'm planning to do. I don't think Brad would be pleased if I ripped apart the inner psyche of his current point of obsession / affection. I won't. I don't see in the script of my favorite soap opera a need for the character of one Kudou Yohji to be killed off or put into the insane asylum once I'm done with him.

I just have to take down some of his barriers, now don't I? The thoughts of being with Brad are in his mind. He's just not letting himself think them because a playboy would just not think those thoughts. So my plan is simply. I'm going to make him think them. The world of dreaming is my domain, the mind capable of any and all thoughts in a dreaming realm. I can do it subtly so a person hopefully doesn't even know I'm influencing the turn of their dreams. Every single erotic thought he ever had about my leader in his skirt in the club will be brought back as he sleeps. Only he'll know exactly who is rubbing hot against him. That little interlude outside the café where Brad pushed up against him to bring back memories and prove who his dance partner was, oh those too.

And he won't be able to stop them or block them. I'll make him think about it all. And then, after a few nights... I'll just... stop.

And hopefully... this is the part I wish I could see the future of people's thoughts not their current ones only... he'll still think about it without my prodding and filtering.

Kudou Yohji, Mr. Oblivious to his Sexual Preferences, you've just unknowingly entered into a battle of the mental wills and knowledge of the human mind and sex with one Schwarz Mastermind who'd been manipulating wills and seeing the true thoughts of people for a long while now.

I wonder who will win. You, homosexually wanting but repressed man, or me.

God I hope it's me... I need to help catch a kitten for Brad since he for his own reasons made the first step of reaching out but Yohji is being skittish.

Now I must get some shuteye so I'll be rested before Yohji retires to bed and starts REM. I'll start the dream lurking tonight.

Current Mood: creative

(I know your sins)

Saturday, September 7th, 2002
10:41 am
Chibi Searching
Late Night Wednesday/Early Morning Thursday

Very, very strange day today. Starting with the meeting. I wasn't sure what I expected it to be like, but it wasn't quite that. I half expected it to be just business, like meetings we had before. Just all business, Brad telling us of a new mission or new employers. He's not really a man to ever explain himself. When he planned things for us, he told us what we needed to know but not really a lot of the things that would result. It's dangerous for too many to know the future, ja, and that's understandable. But damn is it annoying!

But he did... we barely even had to ask or bring up last night and he started in on it. Not back to business, not ignoring that incident happened as it didn't pertain to business. I almost expected it to be like all of our other full Schwarz meetings, but it was the exact opposite. It was not all business, Brad telling us of a new mission, client, or employer for us to look into to see if it were worth our time. He just started telling us about last night, his reasons... odd and blunt as they might have been. The way he told it was very "Brad-like", but the why he told us was strange.

It was different...

...good?

...bad?

...just different.

After the meeting, I... left simply. I still had a lot to think about, to figure out what the hell is going on in my mind. And I couldn’t figure it all out with them thinking at me.

I couldn't deal with their thoughts then, even as muted as they were. I caught glimpses of surface thoughts, things no one can fully hide despite barriers, tiny random sudden thoughts escape.

I don't even know what I heard. I think a part of me is clinging to the only stability I have left - what Schwarz is and has been - blocked it as soon as it was picked up. Very rare I get a glean of a thought so disturbing I do that. But it has happened.

I like to think I do my best thinkin behind a wheel. Driving through a city and just glimpsing thoughts. Not really hearing them, just the constant sound in the back of my head but I filter it to a hum.

My little secret supplier is coming up on the right and I quite deliberately take a left before it. I don't need it. I don't want it. Not now. That's another reason I had to leave after the gathering was over. I didn't want them to see any more mild withdrawals which were surely to come as time progressed. I didn't want them to know. I cover myself well so they will not know.

They would be so disappointed. They wouldn't understand. I needed that for so many reasons.

Have you ever had someone close to you disappointed in you? The look they give you... multiply that by a hundred fold. Be able to see that look, the slow shaking of the head. And hear every belittling, hateful thought. Coward. Weak. Pathetic. Dependent. Liar. Fool. Untrustworthy. Useless. Disgusting. Filth. Waste of time.

It hurts. It hurts so bad and you feel like a failure, they make you feel like a failure. Their minds convince you that you're nothing and you sink deeper. And it's their fault. But it's mainly your own.

And you want it more.

Speak from experience? Why yes I do.

My parents' thoughts told me exactly what they thought of me before they threw me out of the house. Before they threw their twelve year old drug addict son with no money and just the thin coat he wore out into the snow filled dirty streets in Berlin, in December.

Where he belongs.

I needed the one hit to remind me of what I had never forgotten. After the short sweet and costly moment of euphoria comes the pain. The cold sweat, the paranoia, the spasms.

The need...

I won't do it. I won't go back to the life I had.

Before Brad.

Sounds almost like a textbook date. Schuldig's life, B.B.

They wouldn't see that though. They'd see things getting rough, Schuldig reverting to old ways.

And this lovely little trip down memory lane has been enthralling. I can't lose Brad. I can't turn him away...

I saw him in that nightclub and I saw something.... different.

He saw me in that sex club ... blood shot eyes because I could barely sleep at night because of the voices and migraines, wearing ragged clothes that had been ripped from my body and hastily put back on time and time again on a near starved frame, eyeing him like he was a five course meal because he looked rich and I may be able to get a hit tonight without fucking my supplier for it...

And he saw a telepath he wanted on his team.

Ass

You are an ass, you know that?

Time to go home.

But of course he's not there. Nor is Nagi. Time to go find him, prowling the streets in my car with Farfarello almost like we used to. Almost. Following the familiar trail of Nagi's mind.

I keep my mind strictly to myself and looking for Nagi, even though I know brads with Yohji now. He's a big boy, he can handle himself. It's quite clear he wouldn't appreciate me prying into his personal life even if to protect him in my own ways.

Perhaps that's it... for the first time, Brad's reaching out of our little world. Farfarello had his priests but they always ended up dead. Nagi had cyberspace but that's words on a screen. I had my numerous conquests but I always made them forget exactly who they were with so nothing tied back to me ever. Brad had the clients who ended up manipulated, and he had Schwarz.

I don't know.

I'll figure it out tomorrow when I talk to him.

((wanted to have this up last night and was working hard to get it before midnight but then a tropical storm hit and took out our power. gomen.))

Current Mood: guilty

(I know your sins)

Friday, September 6th, 2002
3:10 am
Dark little secrets
Too early, Wednesday

We all have them, don't we. I'm hardly an exception. Our dark little secrets we wish for no one to know and will do anything at all possible to protect. Usually I'm the one who exposes those secrets for my own amusement to ruin lives, or amuse myself, or just shake things up a bit. First time in awhile I've had my own little bomb of destruction many people in the world would adore to cause to blow up in my face. I though have an advantage over most people hiding things.

I know how to hide secrets. I know how to expose them so I know well how to hide them.

Eight years... time is an odd thing. It's peculiar how it can pass so slowly at the time, and seem like just a flash when looking back on it.

A flash...

Something that took years to be as it was. Gone. In a flash, in a rush. Quite literally.

Eight years of full sobriety. Gone, just like that.

Did something I'm not proud of last night, did something I never thought I'd do again. Couldn't think of anything else to do after I left the coffee house... Nagi was being taken care of, Farfarello was doing the taking care of, and Brad was... riding his little lust high after a successful encounter with Yohji and probably cursing the high heels on his boots. I was alone, as alone as I ever can be with the constant drone of thoughts in my mind.

Last night shook me in a way I didn't think possible. I'm the unphasable one. The one who's seen everything, done everything. Nothing shocks me or makes the smirk waver from my mocking lips. I am the guilty one aren't I? It is the name I chose for myself years ago, very appropriately. Though whether it's my own guilt or theirs... I will not say. A man needs his mysteries. But back to last night. It brought back memories of the past I'd much rather leave buried. But I could handle that. Not when those memories are clear and like venom on my mind and the one thing I'd come to depend on had its outward appearance I'd known for eight fucking years ripped to shreds willingly and I was left with... something I couldn't conceive. I'm not really a man who goes on outward appearances, being able to see what truly lies in a person even if I wish it or not. It's just there for me to see and read as I please. Probably one reason why Brad's 180 threw me for a full loop... I can't read him. Never have I been able to. Ever...

It's difficult to deal with when one's solid base is shattered and replaced with something else you just don't know...

I was in pain, I was confused, and there was nothing I could do. So I fell to a deep hidden weakness I didn't even know I still possessed, didn't want to know.

Meth... Rolls off of the tongue easily, doesn't it? It's a wonderful drug, though hard to obtain if you don't have the right connections. I do... though I haven't used them. Some of the drug dealers which Este dealt with had incredibly open minds and were constantly leaking information, locations, names, numbers, to me I could have used, but didn't.

I never thought I'd touch drugs again. My detox in Rosenkreuz was less than thrilling. Nearly my first day in the stronghold and they very much knew of my drug addiction from the streets, and they simply wouldn't have it. I couldn't even name off all of the drugs I'd had at one time or another to find some false silence, but methamphetamine was one of them. So I was locked in a cell in the insane asylum ward of the building and given a single syringe of heroin. My shields at that time weren't very good. Now I hear a light murmur most of the time. Then it was screaming, constant screaming and crying in my mind trying to drive me insane. The minds of the true insane are very... painful things for a telepath, and I had those hateful murderous dark minds pushing and squeezing into my head like a vice. My shields now when I'm even dead drunk put those to shame. In that cell I did the only thing I could do, the thing they knew I'd do, the thing habit led me to do. I stuck the syringe into my veins and enjoyed, pondering how kind Este was if they took me off the streets and still encouraged my drug habit.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

The effects eventually wore off and my untrained telepathy came back in full painful force... along with the pains of drug withdrawl. Heroin addictions are some of the hardest to break, especially going cold turkey. I screamed for hours for help, the only time I once asked Este for help, and it never came. I was left for an uncounted amount of time, curled on my side and holding my head, whimpering like a child and laying in my own filth.

Este was such a fun organization, don't you think? Rosenkreuz was better than Disneyland.

I hadn't touched drugs since the day they let me out of that cell and tossed me into a shower to clean myself. But I did last night...

The euphoria Ice gives when used orally is one of the best feelings in the world... but gone too quickly. Eight years of being fully clean gone in just a momentary high of pleasure, very much like my image of Brad was changed in mere moments. The flash was gone too quickly, as I knew it would be since I used to be a very avid user of the stimulant.

I don't know if it ever felt as good as it did last night... I never had the shields I have now to protect me from the noise once the drug fades off.

I remember the after effects... I didn't sleep a wink last night, I just lay on my bed curled in the blankets shivering and staring at the door, paranoid that Brad was going to storm in, knowing what I'd done. I didn't sleep well... you never do. Most of the effects have faded now though I'm slightly fidgety... but after a night like last night that should be expected.

Brad's calling for us now, guess we're having some meeting. I think as soon as that little awkward hell moment is over I'm coming back to bed.

And resist the temptation of the many contacts I have.

I have to. I won't let one moment ruin everything I have now. I intend to keep my incident last night my own little secret. If anyone should ever discover it, I'll simply wreak havoc on their mind while erasing that little tidbit of ill gotten information. I don't think Brad knows. Somehow I doubt his visions last night were focused on me, other than to see that all of us would follow him that evening.

Am I scared of what Brad will do to me? No... he can do as he pleases. As. Can. I. I just like to have my secrets just that - mine.

Leave my room and walk out into the living room. Damn... one two no three. Just two minds... Nagi's not here... He still needs time to think. I'm lightly tapping my foot and cover that by crossing a long leg over the other, idly inspecting my nails while staring at Brad. Am I going to mention last night? Don't know... perhaps yes perhaps no. I still have no idea what exact point he was trying to prove, but probably not the one he proved to me. First I'll see what this was originally called for before I mention anything.

Current Mood: nervous

(I know your sins)

Thursday, September 5th, 2002
2:57 am
Thoughts...
Very Very Late Tuesday Night

This is probably the worst night I've ever had at a bar. The only thing that gave it some perk was being there for the first time Nagi ever got drunk. But the memory of why the boy was getting drunk put a mild damper on that.

Eventually he passed out against my arm after having some sips from Farfarello's drink and the few drinks we got him. I made sure he took it easy. I know that alcohol blurs my power, but that's often what I want. Not certain how it would affect his telekinesis. As the evening wore on the thing that often happens, happened. The noise from others minds broke past barriers, obliterating my own thoughts for a bit. I started feeling almost as if I were suffocating, and the memories from my past are not helping with the swirling darkness. I think at some point in the evening some luscious dame sat next to me, her mind full of sex and desires, but I barely even noticed who she was. Too caught up in my thoughts, making sure Nagi was doing ok as he buzzed, and hearing every single other thought buzzing around in my mind.

No pun intended.

Eventually I just needed to get out so I made sure Farfarello would be able to get Nagi home safe and sound, then I left. Last thing I saw was... Brad-chan making out with Yohji. Definitely time to leave.

Went down to a 24-hour coffee place and just sat down and drank some coffee, sobering up from the alcohol I did drink. While I was there, I did the only thing I could think to do. I kept a watch on Yohji's mind... in a skirt or not, that's my leader he's with. And if anyone ever attempts to hurt him, I'll rip their fucking throat out through their ass. Forget the mind tricks, I'll go the Farfarello way of murdering. I don't want to leave Brad fully alone with a member of Weiß who has the smallest and easiest to conceal weapon. Paranoid? Not really... but Ken's onslaught of murderous images about Nagi definitely gave me something to think about. Weiß and Schwarz really aren't on great terms. Weiß doesn't scare me, but I know they're not to be underestimated.

Am I spying on Brad? Slightly but I don't really care right now. I'm after all notorious for doing what I shouldn't, and know I shouldn't.

Eventually his thoughts just get smutty and I filter half of it. He really has no idea who he's making out with. That's good. I guess. Last thing I caught was Yohji asking him on a date... and accepting. That was when I backed off from their minds. There's obviously no harm coming to Brad tonight.

I wonder how he's planning on dealing with that... show up as himself? Show up as Brad-ina and continue this charade?

Not my problem... Not in the least... Brad's an adult, he can do as he pleases.

But so can I. The hour's still somewhat early... somewhat. I need to be home and awake when Nagi goes to school so I can work a little mind trick I know to lessen his hangover, if he's well enough to go to school.

Head back out to my car, pondering on the night and the thoughts that ran through my head during it. I wonder if my earlier thought was true...

Have I changed at all?

Current Mood: aggravated

(I know your sins)

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